Posted: Feb 2, 2010, 9:22 PM
Post #1 of 4
"After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips. Unfortunately,
OK, here's a joke for the men...
like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear
wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Sanservino,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts
when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in
Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her
assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted
in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told the shoppers' children
he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding
Department, to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while
he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department, he asked the clerk
where the anti-depressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission
October 6: In the Auto Department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using
different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK
ME! PICK ME!'
October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal
position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very
loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out. "
Posted: Feb 18, 2010, 5:51 PM
Post #3 of 4
More humor in list form....
Re: [MarkJunge] OK, here's a joke for the men...
[In reply to]
30 Lines to Make You Smile
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.